the road is on fire

Really? You had to tell me that? 

"The road is on fire... gotta go... [click]" is the one thing that no parent wants to hear coming from a cell phone that is connected to another cell phone that is in the car in which her child is riding.  Never.  The road is on fire.  And then, you hang up.  That's just great.

A week or so ago, there was this little get together down in Florida.  A few people congregated in a beach-side community to watch cars go around and around a track.  They sat there and watched these cars circle for an entire day.  Some even went and did it several times that weekend.  Around and around.  Wow, how thrilling. 

You may have heard of the event.  It's called the Daytona 500. 

Alex's grandmother purchased tickets for this little shindig months ago.  She even got some other "fan" ticket.  She's really trying to impress upon Alex a love for racing.  I don't know why.  I can't stand it.  Regardless, my mother thinks it is the BIGGEST sport of the future.  She believes that hoity-toity lawyers and doctors and millionaires will rub elbows at the races.  For whatever reason, she thinks that an appreciation for racing is equal to or more important than an appreciation for art, music, and literature.  She even says that racing is more important than golf to the better part of the elite.  I'm not so sure.

At any rate, I let him go to the race.  And, yes, he is enamored with Nascar.  I need to debrief him. 

So, my mother drove my son to Florida a little over a week ago.  A few hours after they departed, I received the above-referenced phone call.  Actually, first I received a call from her for directions.  She has a phone, but it isn't very smart.  So, she just calls me when she needs something if she's out and about.  It turns out she was lost.  Then her call was dropped.  Calling back, I heard her faintly say that the road is on fire and then the call drops again.  I couldn't reach her for several minutes afterwards.

There I was, freaking out and googling "Fire" and every route to Florida imaginable.  Finally, she called back and informed me that there had been a brush fire on the side of the road.  Not on the road, but on the side.  They were fine. 

My mother has a tendency to mildly overreact.  I have inherited said tendency, so I overreact to her overractions and then she overreacts some more and, eventually, there is a nasty chain reaction of women flipping out.  It really isn't very pretty. 

My poor husband.

how to survive a trip to Colonial Williamsburg

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Recently, my husband came home from work and informed me that he would soon have to go to Williamsburg, VA for a some sort of conference in which Karl Rove would be speaking. He was hoping I wouldn't be upset because he would have to bail on some plans that had been on our calendar for ages. Mad because of flaking out on plans for work? No, not me. Never. Mad because he was going to the very place I had mentioned hundreds of times and not taking the kids and me with him? Not quite angry, but very jealous. So, after sleeping on the idea (and thinking about it a lot), it was determined that we would get to go. The aforementioned plans that I had? Dropped like a hot potato in a crowded kitchen.  Colonial Williamsburg, here we come!

 

So, um, I was going to have to take the kids on the historic tour without my husband, because he did have to be somewhere that day.  And, Katie had an ear infection.  And, I had to pull Alex out of school to go so I felt like I had to make this trip super-educational.  And, my feet hurt after walking however many miles in 40 degree temperatures.  But, it was so worth it!  

We had a great time.  Really, we did.  It wasn't crowded (at all), we were able to just walk right into all the demonstrations we wanted to see, and most of the buildings were decorated for Christmas.  Alex stood in the jail cell that once held some of Blackbeard's pirates, Katie enjoyed gingerbread and a rousing lap around the courthouse green, and I drank hot chocolate.  LOTS of hot chocolate.  

And, while we were there, we learned a great deal.  Don't believe me?  Keep reading for the inside scoop on surviving a cold day in Colonial Williamsburg (which is in Virginia, for those of you who didn't pass elementary history).

1. Take the stroller and make your child ride in it!  Your back will thank you.  Just remember that you cannot take strollers into any of the buildings, except for the Visitors Center (they trick you at first, you see).  So, make sure you pack lots of treats to lure your child back into the seat after they've been lifted out for the upteenth time.  Also, if you pull a tired, desperate, sad face at some of the Colonists, they might let you take the stroller in anyway.  At the very least, they'll let you park it as close to the door as humanly possible and try to entertain your children while you listen to the spiel that only you are actually interested in.

2. Go in lots of stores and buildings.  Even the ones you aren't interested in!  Trust me, they have fires in there.  You'll be warm.  You'll be happy.  Ahhhhh...... 

This was taken outside the Mary Dickinson store, which sells lots of fabric and hats and aprons and girly stuff.  I saw a cute waistpocket with embroidered birds that would have been perfect for my clothespins... but not for $46.  They can live in a walmart bag for now.

3. Get a map and mark the bathrooms as soon as you arrive.  After drinking all that hot chocolate and apple cider, your children will thank you.  Also, do not, DO NOT, request that your child turn around for a picture while his is running off to find the bathroom.  He will not be happy.

 

4. Promptly show your kids what happens if they misbehave.  But, don't forget that a child can't get out of the stocks without some help.  Definitely don't walk away, expecting your son to follow you.  He won't.  If he's smart, he'll scream for help.  If he's lucky, you'll hear him.

5. Pose your kids beside some garbage and take a picture.  Don't worry, you won't look like a fool.  See those barrels?  They're trash cans.  See the shopkeeper in the background?  I annoyed him later in the day by ordering some cold hot cider.  I didn't KNOW it would be hot!  I'm surprised he didn't plant a "kick me" sign on my back after that one.

6. Learn some stuff from very knowledgeable tour guides.  This gentleman went on tangent after crazy tangent about Revolutionary history, which was incredibly fascinating.  (yes, really!).  The bonus: We were inside where it was warm.

7. Then, go meet some of the other awesome interpreters.  If you go in the down season, you'll have a chance to actually talk with them.  This guy was a really cool silversmith who spoke in modern-day slang while wearing a period costume.  The whole experience felt awfully Back To The Future-y for some reason.  Equally awesome was his pimp who stood on the street, ushering unsuspecting tourists into this incredibly entertaining demonstration.  Very, very cool and unexpected.

8.  Follow the signs.  Upon leaving the Magazine (where the Colonists housed their guns and other weapons), we saw a sign pointing around the corner to another place.  I can't remember the name of the demonstration or this gentleman, but I'm glad I followed Alex around the corner of the building.  This guy would have been part of the military, working to make bags and hats and things for the soldiers. Upon entering his shop, he immediately put Alex to work, soaking leather for shaping.  While most of the shopkeepers and demonstrators attempted to show how boys Alex's age would be in some sort of apprenticeship position by now (one store owner even offering to keep Alex in the cellar with his cats), this guy actually gave my boy a hands on experience.   Upon questioning about his costume, he also explained that the color of his lapel and cuffs, as well as the type of buttons on his coat, denoted his rank in the military.  Very, very interesting stuff.  

photo by ComputerGuy, via a Creative Commons license

9. Then, get lost in a maze.  Explore the gardens behind the Governor's Palace (you don't need the super ticket to go to the gardens).  If you look hard enough, you'll find this hedge maze.  If you get out of the maze and go around it's perimeter, you'll find the "Mount" from which this picture was taken.  Obviously, we didn't make our way all the way through so I had to rely on someone else's skills to share.

10.  See what you can and smile.  Know that, unless you have more than one day to spend here, you won't be able to see it all.  Enjoy the nuggets.  Take lots of pictures.  Live in the moment.  Cry "Huzzah!" and "Encore!" Especially if there's a particularly satisfying scene.

 

 The Magazine houses more than just guns.

 

christmas comes early

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Sit down, everyone. I have an announcement to make. As of about 2 PM yesterday afternoon, we have two new additions to our family. They are the cutest little things ever. Their faces pucker up when you look at them, but they mostly just go on their way, always searching for food. They're settling in nicely, too. The kids are thrilled.

What are they, you ask? Two little goldfish, swimming in a tank. One named Lucky and the other named Frank Dottie. The other doesn't yet have a name. Katie just calls it "Elmo's fish."

 

This is an early Christmas present for my kids.  Alex has wanted a fish forever, and Katie is enthralled by the fish at Alex's school.  New tanks are a bit pricey to set up, especially if you want anything larger than a 10 gallon.  So, I hopped on Craig's List last week and started looking for an aquarium.   I was actually looking for someone selling an empty tank with a hood (lid) and maybe some other accessories.  That way, I could easily hide the stuff until Christmas.  Instead, I found the whole shebang. 

I came across an ad for a 20 gallon tank with everything, even fish, included.  The seller lived about 45 minutes away from me.  Given the name in the email, I thought I was going to the home of a Hispanic man named Juan.  However, upon knocking on the door, a little Asian lady invited us into her home.  She was a hoot!  Due to an impending move to Texas, she was forced to sell her kids' tank.  Two goldfish were included, as well as a filter, hood, thermometer, and some decorations.  We gave her $40 for the set-up.  

We had gone in prepared to take the tank home, with buckets for the fish and accessories, and a general game plan on how to move with fish.  However, Juan couldn't find the fish net.  Now, how are you supposed to catch fish without the net?  "Drive home with fish in tank?" she asked.  Um, no.  That's not happening in my fairly new car.  So, she started going crazy.  "Where's that net?  I can't find net?  Pardon  mess, we moving.  Where is the net?"  Finally, she shouted to her son, "Hunterrrrrr! Where you put the net?"  He didn't know, either.

I suggested that we use a cup to scoop out the water and catch the fish, which worked pretty well.  Except, Juan kept getting exasperated with her preteen son.  "Outta the way!  I'll do it!"  And, he kept nosing in, like kids typically do.  She filled a bucket with water before she caught the first fish.  But, I explained, I only wanted to carry half a bucket home.  So, she dumped the entire bucket.  When she returned, she actually nabbed a fish.  Upon plopping it in the bucket at hand, she realized she had no water for the fish.  So, she and her son started to frantically scoop water into the bucket.  Then, the other fish was caught.    The entire time, little Juan was chattering away about the fish, their care, and her move. 

Finally, we left with an aquarium, several decorations, a taped-together filter that we wound up replacing, two fish in  a bucket, and a mostly-full container of fish flakes.  Home again, home again, jiggety-jig.

One the way back to our house, we stopped at the good ol' Walmart for some basic supplies: dechlorinator, a net, and a water syphon mainly.  We also purchased some additional plastic plants and a new filter.  Wouldn't you know, though, that when we got home we realized that we hadn't actually purchased the net?  There I was, ready to gently lower the fish into their home, and I started hollering, "Where's the net?  What happened to the net?  Alexxxxxx!  Find the net!"  I don't know if it fell out of my husband's already-full hands, if the cashier neglected to get it off of the belt, or if we left it in the cart.  But, we had to go through the craziness of catching two feisty goldfish with a cup all over again.  At least, this time, they were staying put in their new-old tank in our chaotic home.

So, they're settled.  All in all, we got more aquarium for our money, though we still spent what we had budgeted for a new tank (maybe slightly more when you account for gas).  Even my husband is enamored with the fish.  The tank is a very pretty addition to our family area and the noise of the filter's waterfall is incredibly relaxing.  It was a good day, and the tank is a great present.  Especially considering that it isn't a cheap piece of plastic crap that will wind up in the dump in a year's time.  Merry Christmas, ya'll.

not for the faint of heart

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Black Friday. The day to beat all shopping days. A day of major consumerism, a day of adrenaline rushes, a day of registers ringing and dollar bills flying (or credit cards swiping). But, also a day of hot tempers, fist fights, screamed obscenities, and pushy mamas all trying to get the "best" deal or the "right" toy for Christmas. Now don't get me wrong. I'm not looking down my nose at the shopping expeditions that go along with the day after Thanksgiving. I was right out there with them.

At 8:45 PM, I arrived at Toys R Us, which was scheduled to open at 10.  I was number 354 or so in line.  Some people had been there since 4, I heard.  The store was planning on letting in 50 shoppers at a time, spaced a minute or so apart, to avoid mass stampedes and confusion.  While waiting in line for the next hour or so, I befriended a mother-daughter duo named Barbara and Jessica.  Jessica has a two year old son that she was shopping for and her mother, Barbara, was along for the ride.  The laughter we shared and random chatter we enjoyed caused the time in the parking lot to pass so much more quickly.

I have to say, once I made it into the store, Toys R Us was not nearly as chaotic as I thought it would be.  During my 10 years of Black Friday early bird shopping, I had never been to that store at opening.  Most people were friendly and happy to be out and about.  I saw a little bit of a skirmish over the direction of the check-out lines, but that was due to minor disorganization on the store's part and was worked out quickly enough.  I grabbed the two things on my list and went on my way.

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Next up, Wal-mart.  The pit of hell in regards to Black Friday shopping.  I arrived at 11:15, found the items I was there for, and staked out a spot near the small stack of Zhu Zhu pets.  At $4, they were a great bargain and people were building up a frenzy over whether they would get the colors and numbers they wanted.  I saw the best of the best in that store last night.  Complete redneck men who got a power trip from being the closest person to the coveted items, their crazy-ass girlfriends and wives who warned fellow shoppers, "You'd better be stayin' outta my way," and a giant black man who proudly announce that he would elbow anyone and even knock them over to get his daughter's prized hot pink Zhu Zhu.  Craziness, I tell ya.  Send me back to the Mayberry store I normally shop at with little blue-haired ladies who get excited over a blanket.  Please.

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At 11:50 PM, the aforementioned power-tripping redneck started to grab Zhu Zhus and throw them back into the crowd.  Shoppers cheered him on until they realized the toys would soon be gone.  Panic broke out.  Mass chaos ensued.  For whatever reason, I took the opportunity to dive between legs, going underneath the crazed shoppers to snag the two Zhu Zhus of my choice.  Bad idea.  I soon found that I couldn't get back up.  People were pushing towards me and my heart began to race.  Grabbing a cart, I hauled myself up out of the toys and got the hell out of there, clutching my toys as I battled the crowd.

Was I dumb for performing a massive toy dive in the midst of Walmart Black Shopping chaos?  Absolutely.  Would I do it again?  Absolutely not.  I was sore for an hour after that stunt.  I could have been the woman in the headlines who died for the love of a hamster.  What did I learn?  Stay out of trashy Wal-mart stores in which the shoppers have no class (for the most part, I did see some very lovely people there, too.)  The funny thing is, I made a stop at the Wal-mart closest to my house about an hour after the store had opened, and almost all the doorbusters were still available.  Hmmm... I'm sensing a bit of flock mentality here.

Throughout the course of the early morning, I also had the opportunity to witness a mother calling a bunch of college girls "high-falutin' hos," which sealed the deal in regards to my thoughts about the town in which I live.  Lord, help us.  The people who grew up here all think that they are better than one another, when we're all just a bunch of dumb-fucks some days.  And, you can definitely tell the natives from the transplants.  One group has class, while the other... just doesn't.  Why bother to act like such a bee-atch?  We're all in it for the same reason, so just act peacefully and nobody will get hurt.

Black Friday wasn't all bad, and I did actually have a great time.  I ran into a couple of friends in Wal-mart, caught glimpses of others, recognized some people from high school (to which time has not been kind), and had a lovely conversation with an old co-worker.  I met new people, shared interesting stories, and laughed in the early morning hours of the day.  The good outweighs the bad, but I still don't understand how we can get so caught up in the search for a few good deals, all in the name of Christmas, and after a day of gratefulness.  Come on, people, where are your heads?