home invasion

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There I am, sitting on the toilet, and the smell hits me. It is absolutely atrocious, almost like celery... or cumin. I can't quite place it, but I know that THAT smell should not be coming from MY ass.

I had eaten dinner at the Village Grill.  I ordered the Buffalo Chicken Quesadilla, which is very good, but always gives me tummy trouble.  I think it has to do with the buffalo sauce.  Buffalo sauce and my stomach never get along.  I should know better, and I do, but sometimes good food is worth the price of a hard poop later on.  Sometimes I'm just a glutton for punishment, as my Granny would have said.

I'm not surprised to be on the toilet.  I'm actually pleased that my tummy isn't bothering me as much as it usually would after having eaten such a meal.  I am, however, mortified by the odor.  It isn't the usual smell of my poop.  My shit doesn't stink, you know.  Rather, this is the smell of something utterly horrifying.

Recognize that little fella?  If you live anywhere on the east coast, you might.  These stink bugs have invaded my home over the past few years.  However, this year has been the absolute worst.  And, now one was swimming in my toilet.  Given the fact that it was emitting it's awful stench, I figure that it must be alive.  Starting to panic, I imagine the pest crawling up the rim of the toilet and squirming across my hindquarters.  "Oh my God!  Don't let that thing touch me," I think to myself.

Quickly, quickly now, I gather myself and finish my business.  Getting up, I have to look.  There is no other option.  I must make sure that it is still in the bowl, and not in my pants.  Sure enough, there he is, swimming along the surface of the water, kicking his legs and spraying the area with his foul odor.  Thank heavens!


Flussssshhhhhhhhh
Gone, now.  I'm so thankful.  This is worst than living with roaches in my father's house.  This is worst than seeing a snake crawl away from the tents at camp last summer.  This is worst than the giant spider that lived under the stairs when I was a kid.  (And that thing was the size of a saucer... humongous, I tell ya!)  

I loathe the existence of these little, funky bugs.  The stink bugs terrorize me in my own home, flying around with that annoying "bzzzzzzt." sound and crawling along the walls at a super-sonic place.  Falling out of dishes that had been put away, nestling down into boxes in the pantry, hibernating between the pages of my favorite books.  And, there is no getting rid of them.  We're in for the long haul, until the stink bugs make their way back outside in the spring.  Assuming they do go back out.  Assuming they aren't super-comfy in my 72 degree home.  Assuming they don't die here, first. 

Supposedly, the little suckers can't reproduce inside.  I don't believe it.  I've found baby stink bugs, too.  Or, maybe they're midgets.  I don't know.  I don't care.  I just want them gone.  Still, the stink bugs are crawling in from the frigid outside temperatures.  Flattening themselves like pancakes, they squeeze in through our super-tight windows.  This past fall, I couldn't open a door without finding at least a dozen stink bugs hanging on the inside of the door jamb, just waiting for the perfect opportunity to invade.  Stealthy little crappers, they are.

Worst yet, you can't kill them.  Stink bugs don't give a satisfying squish if you step on them, they just juice you with their funky odor.  They can't be swatted, either.  Some people will suck them up in their vacuum cleaners, but I've heard of some vacuums being ruined by the lingering funk.  We gather them up and flush the buggers.  However, given my experience in the toilet last night, apparently some of them can swim.  

Do you live in an area that has been infested with stink bugs?  Do you have experience eradicating their presence?  If so, please help!  I'm pulling my hair out here!  I swear, if I have one more fly into my hair in the middle of the night, I'm outta here.  I'll even neighbor up with Sarah "dim-wit" Palin if I have to, just for a little mercy.  Seriously.  This is worst than the locusts.